Hi there all,
I have no idea where I'm going with this, but my heart yearns to post. I have a burden , burning in my heart for souls that won't be assuaged. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for this, yet at the same time, I find it so hard to break out of the same old--same old monotonous shell of semi (safe) isolation where I needn't stretch myself too much or get real uncomfortable.
What a sham, what a travesty!... Whose life is this anyway? Of whom do I claim to belong?
Tears trickle forth as I write this.Though, I welcome them and wish they were more constant companions, more constant reminders.
~~When I was a young woman of 25 I had a brand new relationship in my life. It was my first (real) love. I had a fresh and vibrant zeal and no fear. I was bubbling and busting at the seams to share the good news I had found. I wanted everyone to experience the hope that newly lay before me. I walked (was carried away) , on a cloud of hope and devotion to my Lord for four years. Then things changed radically. I was plunged (plunged myself) into a situation where I had to learn to walk beside the Lord and not leave Him behind me as I strolled on into the new excitement I was living in the midst of.
Along with this zeal and exuberence and passionate devotion to my Lord was the love of His people and the desire to be with them, often and in meaningful ways. This changed as I changed and I mourn the loss before me now.
I am grieved to say, I let Him fall behind, I ran ahead, and things were never quite the same again. Definately the Lord was faithful. He was always there for me. I had only to call out to Him and He was there. Despite this, I grew independent. I grew toward man and away from dependence on my Lord. I so regret that journey, that detour , away from life and into pretense and unfulfilled promises.
Yes, I have come back to my first love, (I have began to begin that journey back) that is...I have repented of my prodigal ways and have reclaimed my place in His fold, humbly surrendering my own way and letting my heart break for Him.
I am rejoicing to be here. The thing is that it hasn't been the same. I still miss a vital element of our communion. >> I have yet to break the isolation (as aforementioned) mode that still tries to keep me in it's grips. I long to again, have free flowing, sharing, and fellowship with others. I'm sure my family misses this as well. If a woman, if the mom is the heart of the home... then I may have an opportunity to set the tone for such sharing amongst God's people and others who need to know His Spirit, living in his people, in a home or in a life
We just cannot seem to quite make the break from the ill-learned self-protection and bubble living that is safe and easy and very exclusive of our brothers and sisters.
Now this discourse (above) is relative... as we do reach out and open our hearts and home. I say relative because, in comparison to where my heart began and the degree of sold-out-ness I lived... this is just not much to speak of (as I see things) It's not enough, It's not God's heart.
I am not discontent in a fleshy mode. I am grieved by the Spirit . I have learned from experience to tell the difference.
I guess I wanted to break a bit more of the bubble mode by sharing...I guess I am asking for prayer... and I guess I as I think of it, I would really love and feedback, if anyone has a mind to share on this.
I wonder how much time is left in this country or in this world as we know it.
I am burdened by the lack of revival and zeal I see in our midst... in the Christian church, in our hearts...
God have mercy on our souls... and please let us see things as You see them. Please bless us that we might be moved to tears and be moved to action.
