...It's another day, and it's been long time since I've posted on my blog.
My heart is heavy as the Lord is opening my eyes to some issues that I can only begin to touch on so far... but I need to share them...
I see some things about me that I am deeply ashamed of... and they have everything to do with needing to
repent of trying to find my worth in accomplishments.
I want to repent of stealing so much precious time from my family, by not being more of an encourager and not putting more of my creative outlet into making my home a more comfortable, unique, user friendly-with a high comfy quotient as well as a sedate and content atmosphere where is is a refuge and more of a quiet and safe place to be...
I repent of not being more gracious in the hosptality department... not looking for more creative ways to save money by for example, maybe creating unique personalised gifts with my talents instead of looking for ways to make more money so that we have more money to spend.
I am so sorry for all of the lost opportunities where I obsessed with things that the Lord just wanted me to accept... and to sit back and make the most of what I had already been blessed with.
I feel as if there has been a deluge of wasted opportunities for growth in the name of striving to earn income in order to have or to give and share ... concentrating on what money can buy...and worrying about how to afford thus & such at the expense of being thankful for what I already had, and using what I already had to share with others...freely and ministering to hearts and giving of myself in ways that matter the same... and in fact, at times, matter more.
To some, this may not seem like such a travesty or even worthy of going on about... but to me, it has been a big deal.
The Lord is beginning to open my eyes to this truth that knawed at me from the periphials of my conscience for too long... yet I didn't heed the promptings.
I have been betraying Him-His highest calling for my life...
As well, I have been betraying myself, my own conscience and have been selling myself way short.
Never mind that I have been trying tirelessly to make money via my different mediums for years now and have never made a thin dime to speak of...
Never mind that depsite opportunity after opportunity for me to live out my heart's desire and serve... to order my days with the blessing of others who cross my path... and on and on, I believed the lie that my first aim ought to be to "help bring in income"... to lighten my husband's financial burden... etc. I have found, as I have really pondered recently ...with our Lord's patient dealing with me once again...that I have been selling myself a bill of goods.
I have been believing the lie that what I generate monetarily via my own efforts... directly dictates the degree of my own self worth.
I have been been striving to feel accepted, worthy, equal to others, etc... by these futile efforts that the Lord never blessed, but actually seemed to thwart, every step of the way.
I am so sorry for all I have squandered because of my not facing up to what could have been dealt with a long time ago. I wonder how my life and the lives of my beloved family might have been richer or more fullfilled had I been walking in step with the Father.
You know the old saying... "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"... We, as mom's and wives ... set the tone for our days and in our households by our own attituds and our own willingness (or lack of ) to lay down our agendas and be poured out for all... with a cheerful heart tuned in the the Father with a readiness to use our unique gifts and talents, blessings and intuitions... and servant attitudes... to aim for the highest good of our loved ones.
All this and more, whether for example, that means making table time (school or meal table time) special with soothing or upbeat music... nice (special for the occasion) lighting, maybe freshly sharpened pencils and pens -- and for the littles... maybe with pencil toppers to stick on the top of them (fun quotient:)
A variety of healthy finger friendly snacks all together... ready for the learning session!
Or for example... where meals are concerned... the same with the lighting and the music (soothing and conducive to healthy digestion)
Another neat idea... just for examples sake...
could be something like letting this idea... letting everyone know they're special and hold top place in your heart by constructing simple, personalized place mats (even if just a piece of paper) with a name and a blessing written on each, for each family member ;)
Just a couple of a thousand little things that can mean so effectively minister to the hearts of those that matter most.
I grieve that I let so many chances for this type of thing slip by... not to mention the time I could have been studying the word or concentrating on ideas for service to neighbors or friends or my own husband...
I think now, how much lighter his load would be if I would have been there, I mean really have been there for him... to be in touch with where his concerns were and shared in the burdens, thus helping to carry them.. or how many times I could have endeavored to save money here and there... cut more corners to ease the pressure.... done things differently... or how I could have spent precious time being a student of his deeper needs, thus being more enabled to speak life giving affirmations to him... (hard to pay close attention to when you are otherwise distracted by an occupation that was not your calling in the first place)... not to mention the personal little niceties that are worth not neglecting that go a long way in keeping the flames of romance ignited... and burning strong.
So, with all of these things weighing on me, I thank you all for sharing in this (if you've read this far) with me... I'm not sure if this will be of use to anyone else... I hope it might be. I just know that it was a personal wake-up call for me. I was out of balance ... I am not on any way claiming that others who are doing things differently have the same issues at stake that I struggled with in all of this. If you do, I pray you too can hear from the Lord in your own partciular circumstances. I know many of you have already traveled this road of discovery (or one similar, but equally significant)... I am just thankful that the Lord is opening my eyes and that he is gracious to forgive...
I am humbled by all that I see... I covet any prayer for strength throughout this journey that I can here, only skim the surface of....
Blessings all,
Suz
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Now this is how I would prefer to stay for the time being (as long as possible!!)
